John

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

2007-04-02T19:35:32Z

I don't think anyone reads this anymore, why would they when I write so irregularly? I mostly keep this now as a sort of online bank of my writing anyway... and so today in the last hour I have written a sonnet, which I shall share:

Sonnet VI (or possibly VII, I don't remember)

There is a warmth in your lightning strike,
And such compassion in your thunderous roars.
O, strangely there is something yet to like
Within the waves you beat on helpless shores.
By all reports I should not seek to sail,
But my illtutored compass point is drawn
Yet toward the danger of your stormy gale.
There is no question: Doom is quite foregone.
I fight to feel carresses in the chides
Of mighty winds, and wish I were the moon
That I might bend and shape your lusty tides,
and be with love, instead of wreckage, strewn.
Although I need not seek such futile pain,
I turn from empty skies and to the rain.

Don't touch me! Don't question me! Don't speak to me! Stay with me!

2007-01-14T03:06:55Z

Inexplicable sorrow, an old bedfellow I thought I'd gotten rid of, has once again greasily slid its way into my covers. For some reason little things are setting me off. I ran into an old crush online, found out he was interested in me but that hes now deep into a heavily committed relationship and it just sent me down. The strange relations with Jonathon, revelations about our dating that I needed but abjectly did not want to hear, they fester and rot. And its like the fumes of their malodorous disintegration cloud my emotional life, and everything is related back to them.

For example, say I *had* had the balls to say something to Jamaal 2 years ago, and we *had* dated. From what I've come to understand about myself, I would have begun to care far too much and far too quickly, and would have thus screwed up another relationship and would have thus ended up with another bitter ex. My emotions are not even bordering the realm of the controllable, how can I even think of getting into some sort of relationship?

My pretty face and seductive manner are a well designed trap. They lure people in to one of two equally distasteful results: The first, and most common, is that I quickly grow bored. The recently beguiled subject is not sexy enough, not smart enough, not creative enough, not breathtakingly-mindnumbingly-asphyxiatingly intoxicating. And so I stop returning phone calls and break hearts. I've recently tried to be better about it, but the end result is always the same. I am still recieving emails from Kevin, the first one I did this to, years and years later.

The second, and self-centeredly worse, end result is that I become unhealthily fascinated with the person. They are all I want, if I could spend every waking hour and every waking thought on that beautiful subject of my joy and lvoe then nothing else would matter. I'm sure those who know me can think of a few examples of this. As time has worn on this strange bizarre connection has even lurched into being for boys I barely know, that I've spoken to a few times or (god forbid) even went on one successful date with. And I become the one with the unreturned phone calls and broken heart. And these connections do. not. go away. That was my unfortunate realization hearing from Jamaal today. He was the first boy I was *that* interested in after Jonathan, and it seemed he wanted nothing to do with me. And if I hadn't been so chicken shit I could possibly have had him... only to drive him away because I'm an overly analytical, partially insane, emotionally unstable romantic time bomb. I mean, look at me, I'm fishing for sympathy on a mostly abandoned internet blog.
Ah well. I'll get it all under control someday. Jonathan Grey called me a "work in progress" the other day. I guess I'll just have to trust that someones putting together the corners and eventually some pieces will come together to fill this gaping void in my center

I tell ya, Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane

2007-01-10T03:00:07Z

I find myself constantly at odds with this strange world everyone else seems to inhabit. For example, I was gonna go by myself to karaoke tonight. And I tell my friend and he wants to come, and carpool. So hes gonna meet me at my place. I say I want to be on time, so be here at 9:30. its 9:50 and I get a call that he's *leaving* his place. And I know, I just know that if I told Jonathan Grey (a popular friend for those of you unfamiliar with me) about this, he'd just look at me as if my values are all skewed. My friend Cortez who's on his way clearly didn't think it was a big deal that he was gonna show up at least an hour late, and got indignant when I mentioned it.

telkemnor @ 2007-01-06T01:09:00

2007-01-06T06:11:21Z

Reading American Gods is like eating fine steak or watching brilliantly performed Shakespeare. it leaves you with a fantastic taste in your mouth, even though you haven't eaten anything. It leaves your head drunken and swimming in a half acknowledged phantasmagoria. I truly feel like I have supped on the finest of meats and drank of the finest of wines. Anyone who has a chance to read American gods simply must do so.

O, I am fortune's fool!

2006-12-31T16:13:57Z

Maxine: You are late, my little cowboy.
Craig: Are you torturing me on purpose?
Maxine:-delicious sarcasm- I've fallen in love.
Craig: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
Craig: You're evil, Maxine.
Maxine: Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion Through the same pair of eyes? Wow. No, I don't suppose you would. Its quite a thrill Craigy.

telkemnor @ 2006-12-23T09:48:00

2006-12-23T13:48:23Z

Today's the big day! Mutants and Masterminds, babyyyyyyyyyyy.

telkemnor @ 2006-12-19T18:01:00

2006-12-19T22:01:14Z

Just from writing about ti I feel better able to face tonights disappointment

telkemnor @ 2006-12-19T17:35:00

2006-12-19T21:35:23Z

I'm falling apart right now. Just falling apart. And I meanliterally at this moment. I feel as though I am going to burst into tears and never stop. I've been so strong for a while now, cheery and resolute. Able to fight back against everything. I have suffered through three months of problems that make everything I've ever felt before seem childish by comparison. My other is in the hospital with a serious case of cancer. I am trapped basically 24//7 except for work in my house with nothign to do but read and play computer games, and I've got incredible cabin fever.
And none of my former tactics seem tow ork. There is hardly any bright side to be found. My diversions have been tried up. I've literally read every book Pratchett wrote as well as many many others (including the nearly 3000 page Otherland series) in the past three months. I have played (and in some cases rererereplayed) every computer game in my closet.
But I finally found something to latch onto, somethign that never necessarily worked before: hope. By creating plans for fantastic things to do in the not so distant future, I could cope! Why, just think of that fantastic Mutants and MAsterminds game you're going to be running! Just think of that awesome time you're going to have Tuesday night at karaoke with Jonathon! And thats all that I've had for the last week or so. And its been enough. Through sitting with my Mom in the hospital to doing lots of housework through everything, hope and yearning for these events has kept me sane.
Well tonights Karaokedom has been vetoed. And I'm really worried that Saturday's car use will be vetoes as well.
I'd just liek to take this moment to make it clear that this post is about necessary selfishness, not the totality of my feelings at present. Theres my horrible fear and caring for my mother which I don't feel like talking about. Maybe some other time. I don't want to see like an ungrateful son, because I am not. I just... My coping mechanisms are all dissolving and I don't know what to do.

telkemnor @ 2006-12-15T23:29:00

2006-12-16T03:29:10Z

My mother's breast cancer has gotten worse. She had a second operation today that discovered yet more cancerous tissue, so shes being kept overnight for them to cut the remainder out tommorrow. I talked with her and she sounds okay, but the whole situation is pretty grim. Shes being given an 80% chance to make it through this.
I've emotionally shut down. I really don't even know how to deal with this.

Too too funny

2006-12-15T19:25:56Z

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Telkemnor sent to me...

Twelve vampires singing

Eleven villains storytelling

Ten devils annoying

Nine accents acting

Eight werewolves a-rambling

Seven boys a-roleplaying

Six plays a-gaming

Five bri-i-i-ight eyes

Four video games

Three computer games

Two gay guys

...and a lovecraft in an achtung baby.

telkemnor @ 2006-12-03T00:27:00

2006-12-03T04:27:05Z

I have had this intense tap into a deep well of emotional pain over these last couple of dys. It has no real source but keeps attaching itself to silly things I've said or done and making me feel foolish, unlovable, and completely awkward. These are things, some of them years old, I have come to terms with. It just keeps flitting from idea to idea, each new one causing a little bit more pain to add to the pile, but its lack of discernable focus leads me to believe theres something bothering me I'm not entirely aware of. I was chilling with a friend of my little brother's last night, after Patrick hd to go to sleep early because of SATs at 6:00 AM, and his friend was staying the night. We hung out and talked for a long long while. The kid is bi and we have a lot in common, except for one little niggling social detail: He's a social butterfly. He has this social maturity, at 15 years old, that I can't even imagine having now. Somewhere along the way I missed the subtle instruction every other kid got on how to get by. I find myself in social situations that simply should not be awkward and I have no training to fall back on to tell me how I should act. There was a time that movies and books gave me that knowldge, but that particular venue has failed me so utterly that now I just wing it, usually being honest. That causes its own set of, admittedly lesser, horrendous problems. Oi.

Yay!

2006-11-21T23:32:29Z

Oslo gay animal show draws crowds

Curators say a Norwegian exhibition on homosexuality among animals has been well received, despite initial indications of strong opposition.

The Oslo Natural History Museum opened the show last week and says it has been well attended, not least by families.

Organisers reported early criticism of the project, and being told by one opponent they would "burn in hell".

But there has been strong interest in an aspect of animal behaviour the museum says is quite common.

It says homosexuality has been observed among 1,500 species, and that in 500 of those it is well documented.

The exhibition - entitled Against Nature? - includes photographs of one male giraffe mounting another, of apes stimulating others of the same sex, and two aroused male right whales rubbing against each other.

We hope to reject the all too well known argument that homosexual behaviour is a crime against nature
Oslo Natural History Museum

"Homosexuality is a common and widespread phenomenon in the animal world," says an exhibition statement.

"Not only short-lived sexual relationships, but even long-lasting partnerships; partnerships that may last a lifetime."

The museum says it is the first exhibition in the world to touch on a subject that has been taboo in the past.

It says sex between animals - as between humans - is often a matter of enjoyment, rather than procreation, and that this applies to animals of the same sex as well as opposite sexes.

'Bisexual species'

While homosexuality would appear to contradict evolutionary imperatives, scientists involved in the exhibition say it appears to do no harm and may actually help in some circumstances.

Sometimes a pair of male birds may rear eggs "donated" by a female.

In the case of flamingos, for instance, "two males can hold a much larger territory than a regular flamingo pair, thus more chicks can grow up", the exhibition states.

A flamingo with an egg
Pairs of male flamingos have been known to raise young

In some colonies, as many as one in 10 pairs of penguins may be same-sex, while "in some animals the whole species is bisexual", the exhibition says, giving bonobo chimpanzees as an example.

There has been some hostility to the exhibition. An American commentator said it was an example of "propaganda invading the scientific world".

Petter Bockman, a zoologist who helped put the show together, admitted that "there is a political motive".

In Norway there was a desire among publicly funded museums to be "deliverers of truth" and to "put on display controversial subjects, things that are not said and are swept under the carpet".

The museum says one of its aims is to "help to de-mystify homosexuality among people... we hope to reject the all too well known argument that homosexual behaviour is a crime against nature".

telkemnor @ 2006-11-20T15:33:00

2006-11-20T19:33:39Z

Romance is this huuuuuge waste of time and energy. If I could pour the same amount of actable desire and drive into theatre or any sort of job that I do into finding a boyfriend, I'd be rich and wealthy. The conspiracist n me swears that thats the point, that art and culture have been manipulated to make us believe that love is the only thing worth fighting for, to keep us uninterested in reform and protests and self betterment. I know thats silly, but I can't get Mr. Conspiracy to shut up sometimes :-p

-sigh- I just gotta be patient. It drives me crazy that Jonathan Grey goes to Boston for 2 months and has a serious boyfriend, seemingly almost bya ccident. Where I search and labor and haven't had one since Rich... and I haven't been in love for over 2 years. Graraara. Its frustrating

telkemnor @ 2006-11-11T04:27:00

2006-11-11T08:27:39Z

He'd seen how civilized men behaved
he never forgot and he never forgave

telkemnor @ 2006-11-10T18:17:00

2006-11-10T22:17:17Z

Feeling very very down this evening. So of course it's livejournal time :-p I don't really feel like writing, but lately I've just been feeling very unlovable, and, of course, being proven right. Everything I've wanted over the past few months has exploded in my face, and its very very hard to remain positive.

It comes down to reality, which is fine with me cuz I've let it slide

2006-10-27T08:38:10Z

So... this Journal has existed for 5 years. One fourth of my life. Admittedly, for the last year it has remained empty of anything, since my personal determination to stop whining and just deal with it... Its interesting how life changes, isn't it? How experience warps and twists us, into better, or worse, people. My change has been progress. I am a significantly happier, more self assured person at this moment than at any other time I have ever written in this journal. And now is not really any special time.
I had my first day of work today, sure, but it wasn't self affirming. If anything, my previous defeatism would have taken it extremely negatively. So much to learn! So much mindless drivel to do! I've sold my soooooooul! Oh the sorrow! But I simply know that A) I can do it and B)I can find something to enjoy in even the worst monotony of it. Its Starbucks, so I can't sleep because of the overflow of caffeine poured into me today... but I still feel positive. And, strangely, the need to write.
I've already tasted the fruits of my labors, ironically, due to loans from my parents. I'm listening to Billy Joel's "Piano Man", waxing nostalgic, on my new iPod, tracking the shipping on my soon-to-be new Geforce 7600 graphics card.
I miss New Jersey, terribly and desperately. I have never been who I was this summer. For the most part, I espoused *me*, that person that comes out when I'm drunk. Competent, crazy, capable and unafraid. I unabashedly hit on straight men, battled Mormons(In basic debate. They were sober and I still won!), and had frank conversations with people who scared the bejeezus out of me in normal life. Best of all, I *rocked* any theatrical performance I could put myself into. Two days of rehearsal? I was fabulous! A character literally four timesmy age? You should have seen my physicality, heard the tremor in my voice. I do feel a bit powerless now, here in Florda, but I now know that I have it in me. And just to put it down on metaphorical paper floods me with that same sense of worth and joy.
I have very few friends. Those I do have are good ones. It is telling that the most major improvement to my quality of life will be a new graphics card... Its not that I am antisocial. Just... for the most part I don't understand the rules normal society runs on. Surrounded by theatre geeks this last summer, and armed with self surety, I was popular, fun, and made fantastic friends. Without Shakespeare, Acting, Lovecraft, Pratchett, fiction, or bizarre philosophy as a topic I find myself out of depth. Not being surrounded by people who *care* about art in the way that I do I find myself confused and tongue tied. They have their own loves, their own code languages they talk in (that don't include words like "Intention" or "Cthuloid"), but people like Josh seem able to adapt and open to people who do *not* share the same obsessions and not only survive but thrive. There are people I have taken interest in. But every one I pull back before it even has a chance. How can I expect these people to understand? Danny didn't. Jonathon didn't. Rich didn't. None of the people, not ONE, that I have dated casually would have. I avey eyes on someone I hope wl be different, but I don't eve know if he's interested. And I don't want to jinx with advice. -shrug-
This train of thought has moved me from Billy Joel to Sondheim's "Company" A musical that muses about relationships, love, and marriage. And the fear of commitment. Its a personal favorite. The plot, as it were, is a series of vignettes which centers around a man named Robert and his ten best friends, all of whom are married couples. All of his friends have long term relationships, while he lives in a perpetual state of singleness. Hmmmmm. Its about his unconcious determination to stay single and his eventual move towards wishing for something more. I'm almost at "Being Alive", one of my favorite songs Sondeim ever wrote. Up there with "Giants in the Sky. In the song, the climax of the show, Robert begins by listing the terrible things relationships cause. He realizes, eventually, that there is something inefably fascinating abou love. That it is worth the ruined sleep and being needed too much. My favorite line: "Make me confused. Mock me with praise! Let me be used... vary my days. Somebody crowd me with love, someody force me to care. Somebody make me come through, I'll always be there, as frightened as you, of being alive."
-sigh- Someday. I need to get out more, meet more. The person I'm looking for is one in a million. Logically, the only thing to do therefore is to meet millions of people. Anything less is relying on luck.
Want something. Want *something*.

telkemnor @ 2006-06-01T13:13:00

2006-06-01T17:14:01Z

I've been thinking about doing some updates with pics, but I don't know where to upload pics, or how to link to them. ANy suggestions?

telkemnor @ 2006-05-07T02:58:00

2006-05-07T07:03:21Z

So I was bookshopping today and my eye happened upon an interesting little specimen: Desire: The Tantalizing Art of Seduction

I thought to myself "Wow. Gotta wonder if anybody has like seriously taken that book to heart. Besides, its so easy!"

So I thought to myself I could save all of you, my dear readers, 5.99 By telling you my juicy secrets. And, even better, I'll couch it in a pretentious title!

Step 1: Be Attractive
Step 2: Express Interest
Step 3: Have Sex.

Whee!

Yup

2006-03-22T00:24:54Z

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 100%

Greed: 40%

Pride: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 0%

Gluttony: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 31%

You'll die of a yet to be discovered STD.

How Sinful Are You?

Attention Must Be Paid

2006-02-23T17:41:28Z

Ever have one of those days where you're just extremely open to emotional stimuli? Little things will make you joyous, little things will push you into self contemplation and depression. I'm having one of those days.

And we watched Death of a Salesman in Appreciation of Drama. And it really, really upset me. I've never liked the play, never thought it was very good, but now that I've seen it performed...
I'm terriffied of becoming Willy or Biff Loman. Willy works his entire life, plying industriously, and then at the end has no friends, two sons who have deserted him, and nothing to live for. He kills himself and his wife says "Attention must be paid." To quote assassins "She has to beg the world to pay attention to this poor misguided nobody. I'm an actor, lee, a good one; But Willy Loman is a part I could never play."

And then theres Biff, the one I am more likely to become. When he was 17 he was full of confidence and spark. The world was his oyster, his dad was his hero. Then, in one month, he loses a major football game and discovers his dad is having an affair. And everything falls apart. He loses his drive and his ambition. He collapses in on himself, and nine years later still has no job and no future. Its terrifying. I know a couple of people like this, same general age in fact, and I have seen myself filling there shoes. It frightens me. I cannot fail. I cannot concieve of failing. It hurts me to even think about it. I am being lazy right now, and that is unnacceptable. I have to find the will to pick up the ball again.

Oi.

telkemnor @ 2006-02-12T07:20:00

2006-02-12T12:20:56Z

Today feels delightfully auspicious. I have done some energy work, done some practicing of various disciplines, and my horoscopes point towards joy today. I feel it. Sleep, no, Joy? Yes.

My gang colors are "Sparkly Rainbow"

2006-01-23T16:13:03Z

How Gangsta Are you? by EaZy
Name
Ya Gangsta Weapon	Knife
Amount of ya drug money.	$1,422
Your Rival Gang will kill you at this age.	82
Ya Tag name is..	Slim
Ya Rival Gang	Latin Kingz
Ya gangsta Kickz
Drive-By Ride
Ya Gangs Name	Hoe Slappaz
Ya Gangs Colors	Sparkly Rainbow
Ya Gangsta Accessories
Numba Of Hoes	9

Quiz created with MemeGen!

telkemnor @ 2006-01-22T23:39:00

2006-01-23T04:39:59Z

Aaron is exactly what I believed him to be.

Doug is a lying two faced backstabber.

Finis

telkemnor @ 2006-01-22T02:37:00

2006-01-22T07:42:20Z

I saw an amazing movie tonight. Last Holiday, with Queen Latifah. Feel good comedies are not normally my cup of tea, but something was special about this one. I left the theatre beaming. I called people and said things I would normally not say. I feel.... empowered. Like I have a life to live, and change for the better.

I am going Monday and finding a Piano Teacher and a Dance Teacher. I will start *working* on my script, tommorrow, when its not 2 AM :)

And, as of right now, I am totally done with chasing the one I talked about in those last two friends posts. I called again and his phone message has changed. Meaning hes been on his phone. Meaning he hasn't called me back. So fuck that :) There was another really cute and sweet black boy at that party, he gave me his number a week ago. I'm fucking calling him and asking him out for coffee tommorrow :)

WOOOO. I wish I could watch that movie every week, and that I could see it for the first time and let it have this effect on me. It would change my life to find this sort of motivation every couple of days :)

This is important.

2006-01-01T12:04:52Z

An old friend, at one point my very best friend in the world, wrote this in her livejournal yesterday:

"There is a part of me though that is very introverted. I need a lot of solitude, a lot of me-time. I also need to forget about me and get lost in the togetherness of friends. I'm a woman of vast differences. I can be happy and giggling and silly one moment, then plummeting into depression the next. Sometimes I can't stop crying. Sometimes I can't undestand why I cried in the first place. But it's okay. Perhaps everyone is this way, perhaps I'm the only one. It really doesn't matter. I get through each day, each week, and time keeps whirling past me."

And I felt compelled to respond.

"I suffer the same duality. Yearning for companionship yet needing solitude.

A beloved teacher once asked me to come up with three character traits off the top of my head. I responded "Lonely... hermetic... desperate." His intent was to show me howevery character is a pastiche of traits, only a few of which are relevant at any given time. "So, in one scene, hes desperate and lonely, feverishly drawing people in, searching for companionship anywhere he could find it. In the next he's desperate and hermetic, shunning those same people and isolating himself in a hole. In another hes all three." And as he was talking, I realized: I'd just done a rorscharch test.

So I understand, I hope you find some way to reconcile it. /hugs/ Happy new year. I miss you."

I am incredibly hermetic and lonely right now. I want my me time but I'm reaching out in so many different directions. Not far enough. Banging just loud enough to say I banged but not loud enough for anyone to hear. I have moments of supreme joy... and then when I try to sleep I can;t stop thinking about failures and weakness. I have told myself constantly I would find a fresh artistic environment filled witht he sort of people I always wanted to be around, and when I did I would be happy. I found that place this summer. And I played my old routine. I started getting close and then I locked myself away. Ever since the hope of a social life has faded, killed finally by Rich. I feel horribly, horribly alone. And part of me wants to be horribly horribly alone.

I read a book the other day, by Chuck Palahniuk, who wrote Fight Club. The book, "Haunted", was about the trumpeting of suffering. Using ones own personal pain to market, sell, and get attention. It hit home hard. I am guilty of broadcasting pain for sympathy and attention. Thats why I stopped writing here. everything I wrote was a plea for my friends to say "don't worry, everythign will be better!" or "I feel so sorry for you!" Any actual attempt to solve the problem was ignored. The problem, at that time, was the solution.

Once I got up north I grew disinterested in this form of interaction, really the only one I knew how to play. So I clammed up. I stopped talking and I haven't really been talking since. My problems and my inner debate have, in general, once again become my own. And I find myself needing to share it, even now.

But I only sat down ad started writing because this, frankly, isn't about *you*, the commentor. I'm writing for me, MY Livejournal, for the first time. I'm forcing myself not to think about responses and airing my private hurt so that *I* can make sense of it. Livejournal was a performance paltform for me. All the world's a stage. And I'm only ever truly comfortable when I'm performing on it. I at least understand the rules then. I know *exactly* what words to say, what I'm tryign to do, and why I'm there. Serenity. I wish I had a script for every social occasion, so I knew what to say and how to say it. when to place my glass down and when to pick it up. That is paradise to me. The uncertainty and threat of failure is so much I implode, otherwise. I can't deal with failing anymore.

This summer made something very clear to me. Two sides of my life. The Failure and The Success. The Success came when I went on stage. I had talent and poise and promise. I was congratulated all around. The Failure... was everythign else. My personal relationships were non existent. The ones I *did* have were so tainted by the fear of rejection I couldn't get close.

I say this not out of pity, but it is true: I have always excelled at fiction. It was real life I didn't get.